CareGiver Dreams and Nightmares reveals a real nightmare following the death of her parent. Names are altered. What happens in the aftermath? The blame, the guilt, the waves of emotions, the quest for peace.
The Dream/Nightmare scenes. . .
Beach party/ carnival/ ocean/ lots of colors/ lots of people/all ages
It seems Rose and I are together with our families enjoying the party.
Mom stayed with the mixed ethnic kitchen group and was making something like stew and chopping up vegetables and talking with Ukrainian ladies wearing babushkas. (HEAD SCARFS)
In the dream it made sense.
We waved as we went down to the picnic area, she said she ‘d be along later with the latkes. (POTATO PANCAKES)
LOTS of children AT the party. Big waves in the surf. We try to keep the kids away from the water and let them play frisbee in the playground.
At the beginning the sky is blue. As dream progresses it is getting darker like there is a storm coming. Surf gets wilder.
Elsie came by and asked where Ma was, she was not in the kitchen when Elsie walked by. Probably went to bathroom.
I told Rose I would go and see if Ma needs help. These are weird foreign toilets. Rose agreed. I handed her the baby and started up the hill to the bath house.
Rose gave her baby to someone else and said “I’ll come too”. By now we are both running and looking in all the likely places. Ruled out the carnival as too noisy and colorful for Ma to go to.
Looked in the kitchen, no one knew. They were no longer the old ladies but now big sweaty mean looking guys butchers to make the sausage. Rose and I looked at each other and knew Ma was scared by them and now our search is a bit more frantic.
We are both looking and feeling frightened. I am feeling bad. Guilty. Should have never let Ma stay there alone. Rose agrees, we should have kept her with us. Crying, we keep looking for Ma along the beach and at all the bathhouses.
I feel all the blame. End of Dream Scenes.
What Happened. . .
I wake up crying. “Ma, you said “Daisy make her stop the needles and pain. Please Daisy make her stop.” I did. And then you died. (2 weeks later)
It is like my brain knew that would happen and it was what we agreed upon. But at the same time it was my emotions screaming NO. Rose looked angry or sad when she left. She understood the next step.
My mind had not grasped it yet. I was still trying to stop Ma from screaming in pain. I did what we all agreed to. But it was only me there. I held Ma and we both cried.
Dear God it is in my head that I must hear those words over and over again and see Rose leaving and never coming back, as if she accused me.
Now MA has no pain even though she went through more pain on the way to the end of her life. I tried to relieve her pain with therapeutic touch and I know it helped to cool and calm her. But I still feel like I was the one who pulled the plug.
Ma has no pain, no worries now. She is blessed with love. I must let go of her pain too and stop blaming myself. And now Rose appears entangled in my dream of duty and caring and responsibility. I hope she does not feel this way too.
My prayer. . .
Dear God, grant the peace that we cannot understand and please comfort our tormented left-behind souls. We long to remember the “Shinies” and “Sparklies” and the white lake and the mystical waterfall memories and not the agonies. I need your help with that. And a lot more.
From Roy Lessins blog Meet me in the Meadow…
When you have laid all things at His feet,
When you have placed all things in His Hands,
When you have entrusted all things to His keeping,
When you have released all things into His care,
When you trust Him no matter what-
Then the peace that passes all understanding will rule in your heart.
You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]. Isaiah 26:3-4 AMP
Prepare yourself for the aftermath when your patient dies.